Tag Archives: recovering from surgery

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18 Nov
Cover of "One Fish, Two Fish (Dr.Seuss Cl...

One Breast, Two Breast, Red Breast, New Breast . . .

I haven’t written in a while. I keep starting a blog post, even get quite a distance into it, but, then I stop, save it as a draft and put my laptop away. When I return to it the next day I am no longer “there” anymore and so I start over, writing about something else. I have nearly posted something on a number of topics in the past couple of weeks. But, I just can’t seem to put myself behind it long enough to get it done.

Lately, I either write because I feel particularly down, displaced by this cancer nonsense, and use writing as a vehicle to somehow transport me back to a better spot or I write because I want to share something really good.

I think the past several weeks I have had so many highs and lows and have so quickly felt tossed back and forth from one extreme to another that I can’t wrap my head around either place long enough to write about it. Friends are calling and emailing to see how I am doing: “You haven’t written in a while . . . are you okay?” etc.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am happy. I am sad. I am grateful. I am angry. I am joyful. I am mad.

I am quick. I am strong. I am slow. I am weak. I am exhausted. I am invigorated. I am bereft. I NEED sleep.

Maybe I can turn the above into a Dr. Seuss book for cancer patients.

In a tree. In a boat. On a train . . .

I know . . . I could call it: One Breast, Two Breast, Red Breast, New Breast (you know, the Dr. Seuss book: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish). That would have to be the breast cancer-mastectomy-radiation-reconstruction version of the book. Or I could do a new version of “Oh the places you”ll go” . . . and call it: “Oh The Places You Will Never Want to Go”?

I am fierce . . . the hot-pink-now-faded t-shirt I wore to nearly every infusion for over a year.

I am 20 months into this cancer roller coaster and still I am not off the ride. It isn’t like there is a graduation day. No Pomp and Circumstance marks the end of my war. I don’t get a diploma that says “cured”. There isn’t a sign that says “Now Departing Cancerland”.

Instead, there are the daily reminders of both what I have been through and what I look forward to, what I have lost and what I have gained. Every time I get dressed and look to see if a scar shows through or whether a top still fits or does it need to be tossed. And, the difficulty even getting some clothes on and off because my arms don’t go all the way up over my head anymore (the radiated side is not cooperating at all – one of the things they don’t tell you is that when you go through radiation your pectoral muscle can shrink which can leave you with a frozen shoulder . . . back to physical therapy at $100 a week . . . )

I marvel at how far I have come, but, I am sobered by how far I still have to go. It is a very strange and surreal journey. And it is not over. I guess that is the most difficult part right now – navigating through this time – from cancerland to the rest of my life. I feel pain on a daily basis, but, it is better to keep moving than to lay in bed. I definitely feel like I have my wits about me again . . . chemo-brain be damned (my brain really does seem to function again . . . the way it used to . . . what a huge relief). And, I have been able to work out a few times at the level I would have before all of this began (I put in a pretty intense hour and a half at the gym just a few days ago). I AM making my way there . . . where ever there is . . .

I just wish there was a map.

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Looking forward, no more pity party . . .

5 Aug

I got a bit of a lecture today from a friend of mine – you know who you are . . . and, no, I am not outing you on here . . . I keep my promises 🙂

So, the lecture was about how I apparently do not ask for help and do not accept help well . . . hmmm.

It was complete with examples . . .

So . . . I couldn’t really weasel my way out of that one . . . examples, dang, she’s good. 🙂

And she is not the first person close to me who has commented on my apparent inability to ask for help. I almost try to talk friends and family out of helping me . . . what is up with that? 🙂 Well, I am going to do my best to get over that.

I am also OVER worrying about my next surgery.

I have been feeling really anxious about this surgery for some reason. I was a bit anxious about the last one too. But, this time I know what I am getting into, so to speak. And, I guess knowing with some certainty that I will be in pain for a bit and unable to do things for myself for a bit, has really made me nervous. But, the reality is that I do know what I am getting into and that is good. I kept a log of how long I needed pain meds for the last surgery, how long I needed someone staying with me full time, round the clock and how soon I was able to do things on my own. And, really, in the scheme of things, it just isn’t that bad. Yes, there was some pretty intense pain, but, it did go away. And, now I have a better idea of how long that might take . . . except that I am planning for a quicker recovery this time.

And when I say planning, I mean that I am planning on needed as much help as before (so it will be arranged for) but, planning on feeling better and recovering sooner than before. Why not? Part of what made the last surgery hard was that I didn’t have any idea when the pain was going to stop. This time, I know that not only will the pain stop, but, that it won’t take forever for it to stop. I think that makes it so much easier. I am healthier than I have been in a long time, stronger . . . and, so, I think it is reasonable to expect that I will recover more quickly . . . that is the plan anyway.

In the past few months I have finally begun to get back to my life and it has been really good. Especially this past month. I have experienced a lot of joy in the past couple of years, a lot of that since the cancer and even during treatment. As I look back to over a year ago when I was going through chemotherapy and was in the throws of treatment and all of the side effects, I was truly happy on most days . . . I remember feeling empowered and I remembered the sense that I was really doing battle.

Somehow, though, I think I have been seeing this next surgery as something that could potentially jeopardize that joy. But, I realize that this will only happen if I let it. I obviously can not control how others will react to my convalescence. But, I can choose, as I have in the past, to see this as just one more step towards regaining the rest of my life and getting back on track.

There has been so much progress. Yet, I have . . . I hate to admit . . . been feeling a bit sorry for myself lately and a little fearful . . . thinking about this upcoming surgery as yet another “cancer hijacking” . . . when really, it is instead a new beginning.

I have friends who are still battling this disease, are still fighting with every ounce of their being to hear the words that I have already heard . . . cured. And, I have friends who are fighting, battling to get back to a state of remission. I am fortunate. And, I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life who love and care for me. It is difficult to have to rely on so many for so much. And, as my friend pointed out, I guess I am not especially good at it 🙂 But, someone recently has helped me get a lot better at accepting help.

So . . . I am over it, over the fact that yes, I will suffer some more with this next surgery.  I am moving onto reconstruction junction with a smile on my face and the knowledge that it will all work out and that those who love and care for me will be there for me . . . and, yes, I will learn to be better at accepting help 🙂

Thank you all for your love and support . . . it has meant, and does mean, so much.

Love and peace,

Lisa

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So tired . . . of all of this . . .

7 Jun

Hello All,

I am now three weeks out from surgery. Kind of hard to believe. I am so grateful to be three weeks out, and not the first week or the second (which were their own particular kind of hell). I am definitely getting better – the most marked difference is in the pain department. While I am not pain-free, it is a level I can tolerate.

Today I will see my surgeon for the first time in a few weeks (she was on vacation last week – so I saw her partner instead – I like him a lot, wish he could be my surgeon – appreciate that he gives out straight answers and doesn’t get defensive or feel the need to apologize for what he is about to say – he’s up front, direct – – what I would give to have that from my surgeon, oh well, I digress). So i see my surgeon today. I believe she will take out the one remaining drain (after surgeries sometimes drains are put in to help your body to drain blood, fluid and tissue away from the surgical site – I know, kind of gross, but, that is what it is). These drains help your body deal with that stuff so that your body doesn’t have to absorb it.

Anyway, I had just two drains with this surgery (I had expected more, since there were four incision sites. One drain was removed last week and the last drain may come out today. I should probably leave these details (and others I will spare you from now) for a “for cancer patients” blog. I would have really appreciated knowing more about all of this stuff, (how you have to maintain it as a patient, etc) before my first surgery. Instead, you get a one page handout that shows a line drawing of something called a “Jackson Pratt” drain. Not very helpful – doesn’t prepare you at all.

So, I am very tired. This weekend was a long one for me. My Mom, who is getting better, has had some kind of flu bug (she has promised me she is going to call her doctor today – she’s been quite stubborn about getting over this on her own). Anyway, as a result, I haven’t allowed my Mom or my Dad to come over for several days now. Mainly, i want my Mom to get rest (something she does not get here as she is always doing something for me). But, also, I should not risk being around anyone who is sick. And, even though my Dad is not sick, he has been around her, so he could potentially give me what my Mom has. I doubt it. But, I have to say, it is putting some pressure on my Mom to actually go into the doctor (since I keep telling her that she can not come see me). I am not trying to be mean, I am just concerned about her – I want her to get checked out by the doctor and I also do need to be pretty cautious myself.

But, since they have not been here for several days I got low on groceries (I can’t yet drive to the store, so my parents usually go for me or take me there). Anyway, a friend of mine took me last week and now I need to go again. I have a doctor’s appointment today and should be able to make a stop on the way home to pick up some groceries.

I am just so incredibly tired of having to rely on everyone for so much. I had no idea going into this thing (not to suggest that I had a choice of going into it or not :)) that it would be this long a period of time – needing to rely on people for so much. It is unimaginable. And, the thing is I’ll have a little stretch where I am pretty good and can fend for myself, then surgery and I am right back to being useless.

I am, however, getting better. I still can’t drive, probably at least a few weeks more of that – very frustrating. Although, I am so physically tired and my arms are still so limited I would not want to drive right now. But, you understand, I just wish that I could drive, and, I especially wish that I felt well enough to drive.

I am getting better, just really tired of this whole thing, so worn out from the past 15 months and really hoping to get a break from all of this sometime soon. I know I still have the next surgery (same one that I just had) ahead of me, which is fairly major. But, I really hope to feel well in between this surgery and the next. And, then, after the next surgery I just pray that this will all be behind me. No more cancer, no more surgeries, no more feeling like this. I want my life back so badly. And, I hate to admit it, but, I can understand why people stop treatment because at some point your quality of life is just not there anymore and you can’t do it anymore. So I pray that I will be one of the lucky ones and that I will be clear of cancer.

Once I have the second surgery I will be able to have a brain MRI (something my oncologist wanted me to have last month – but, I couldn’t because there is metal in the expanders in my chest). So, after I have the second surgery (one expander was taken out in the surgery I had three weeks ago and replaced with an implant) I will no longer have any metal in my chest and so i can proceed with the brain MRI. That is when I will know with more certainty about whether I am cancer free. So there is some pressure to have that second surgery as soon as possible in order to get the brain MRI done. But, I think I have to wait at least 3 months between the surgery I just had and the next one. I will find out more about that when I meet with my surgeon today.

Well, what a ramble this has been.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers, I need it and I greatly appreciate it.

Much love,

Lisa

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back on pain meds

3 Sep

Well, I don’t know if it was skipping the pain meds for the day on Tuesday (which my surgeon approved me to do) or what, but, I was in so much pain on ‘Tuesday night I thought that I would not make it through it. Thank God for my dear friend who came to the rescue and got me back on my pain meds and kept me on them throughout the night and day (waking me up at 2 am to take a pill etc.)

Once there is that much pain I really can not think straight or take care of myself. I don’t know. I was told that the surgery and recovery from surgery would be so much easier than chemo. But, that has not been my experience. I presume it has something to do with the weakened state you are in post chemo and that having surgry right after chemo makes it a bit slower recovery time. But, all I know is that I thought I would be a lot further along by now. It’s a struggle right now to stay awake to write this post and you can be sure that I will be going rt back to bed as soon as I am done.

I have an appointment with my reconstruction surgeon today (I see her every week right now). She plans on “expanding” me today (please see prior posts for what this is, I am way too tired to explain it right now). Basically she will be adding saline to the expanders that were put in under my pectoral muscles during surgery. After she has expanded me to a size that I like then she will be able to exchange the expanders for silicon implants. It is a process. But, the very exciting part about it is that I will have a chest (even already have one, but just not a whole lot until she does more expansion – the first of which is today). It is so amazing really. There is – so far no detectable scarring the way everything is healing. Unbelievable.

But, all of that stuff above is really kind of not important to me. I mean, sure on some level it is, of course – to be able to come out of this with natural looking and actually beautiful breasts (so my reconstruction surgeon brags to me every time I see her . . .  ” You have great skin, I am so excited to be doing your reconstruction”.  Yeah, raw, boo . . . it’s all great, but I am just soooo tired and really all I care about is surviving. You know what I would like to have one of my doctors bragging to me about – is how I am going to survive this no problem – – how when all of this surgery crap is over with and treatment, that I am going to be 100% fine. That is what I want an oncologist to brag to me about! I have to say that the pain has definitely affected my overall mood – – the pain has been depressing me quite a bit. So hopefully the pain will get under control pretty soon so I can start getting back into things a bit more.

Well, I am going to take a nap and gear up for my appointment with my surgeon – hopefully she will still think that everything looks good and hopefully the expansion won’t hurt too much.

Oh wait a minute, I left out the most important thing! I have an appointment with Dr. Hurvitz, the breast cancer surgical oncologist specialist up at UCLA on September 11. I am a bit nervous, but I am mostly thrilled to be able to see her as she is so good.

Okay, nap time.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers.

Love,

Lisa

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Gathering up some energy . . .

1 Sep

So, I decided not to take a pain pill this afternoon . . . we shall see how that goes. But, I really am tired of being tired and I think that the pain medication is probably contributing to my sleepiness. I can’t imagine getting addicted to this stuff. I realize that people do, but, I just don’t get it. It’s not like you feel good taking it. You just feel out of it and, the pain does seem to go away for a while. But, it’s not like you take the drug and you are flying high and can’t wait to take another. Maybe that’s not what it is about for people who do get addicted to pain medication anyway. I wouldn’t know. All I know is that the sooner I can be off of this stuff and resume my normal life the better.

I can’t drive until I stop taking it (not a car, not a bike). And, I’ll bet I can’t even operate heavy machinery while I am on it . . . do you see the the limitations I am experiencing?

My main problem with it is the sleepiness – assuming that is what the sleepiness is in fact from. I have actually fallen asleep while talking on the phone (makes me a little concerned about calling back prospective clients).

A professor from UC Irvine’s new law school called the other day expressing some interest in one of my books. This is pretty exciting as I really want to get into UCI and had planned on marketing to them this past Spring for their Fall starting semester. But, cancer kind of got in the way with that. Anyway, I guess this professor saw our books at a local law bookstore (the only one in Orange County) and she wants to make the Torts book (that is the subject she teaches) available to her students. So, that is encouraging. We sell our books at UC Hastings, but, it would be great to get into a local law school bookstore as that would translate to more bar students locally.

Anyway, I have been afraid to cal her back for fear I will fall asleep mid sentence. I will call back soon, I just have to make certain that I am awake enough first.

Let’s see, no real other updates. Just impatiently waiting to be recovered from surgery. I am very bored (probably a good sign as last week I was in too much pain to be bored).

I can’t wait to see the specialist up at UCLA so I can find out more about how I really am doing. I think well. But, Dr. Hurvitz is the oncologist I really trust (she is the one up at UCLA). Plus, I just trust UCLA in general. They developed Herceptin and have treated far more women with my type of cancer I think than anywhere else. So, I feel much more confident in their abilities and knowledge.

My main complaint right now is the heat. I wish it would cool way down. It is pretty tough for me to be outside except in the early am or after dark. So please say some prayers for me and for the weather to cool down a bit 🙂

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Just a short one . . .

30 Aug

Woke up in pain, but that is kind of the way this thing works I guess for me. But, then you eat a little bit, take a pain pill and things improve, at least that is how it seems to be going. I had backed off on the pain pills last week and my visiting nurse gave me quite a lecture about that. She said now is NOT the time to be cutting back on that. Still, the dosage my doctor gave me I think is way too high. I simply don’t weigh that much and if I were to follow her schedule, well, I would be half asleep and nauseous all the time. So, we have figured out a happy medium I think. I still take the medication, but spread it out over more hours. This seems to work for me and even enabled me to meet up for a short dinner with friends last night. Then it was back home, back to bed.

If it weren’t so darned hot outside, I could take walks or go to the beach, but it is just blazing hot here in Orange County. It has been in the 90s and that is just way too hot for me to be out in. I look forward to cooler times soon.

I am improving every day. I am still exhausted and still limited in what I can do. But, considering what I have been through – 2 1/2 months of chemo and major surgery, I think I am doing pretty darn well – and my doctors think so too. They have told me I just need to be more patient and give myself time to heal.

Okay, I am going back to bed now: rest, rest, rest, rest, rest, rest, rest!

I can’t wait to be able to go swimming, ride my bike – if I ever get it back (long story, probably just have to buy a new one), when I am up to riding it again – which I think will be maybe three weeks or so, and just being able to resume normal, fun things.

Please, please, please keep up with the prayers – they are working!

Love to you all, Lisa

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