Tag Archives: radiation

Cancer’s Grip . . .

17 Dec

I want to preface this post with this: I am grateful everyday that I am still here.

English: A busy day on Third Street Promenade ...

My oncologist's office is near here . . . Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica. I always stop here at a favorite lunch spot . . . try to turn oncology appointments into a fun outing . . . 🙂

And now . . . something I don’t like to talk about . . . that fact that I experience pain everyday. Ever since chemo and radiation and all of the surgeries it has become what is normal. So now, it is just simply a matter of degree . . . it is either a bad day or a not so bad day or one of those days where you are so distracted by something beautiful or wonderful or fun that you forget your pain. That is what “post cancer” is like for me. At least right now. I have great hopes that I will be better with each passing day, week, month. And really, so much suggests that will happen. But, it is progress that feels very slow. I don’t know if I will be pain free one day, but, I hope that is possible.

But, until then, there are many things that help.

Laughter makes me forget the pain. It is truly good medicine.

Breakfast with a good friend makes me forget (thank you for that today, my friend).

Playing music and singing makes me fo

rget.

But, tonight I am worried. Tonight I am experiencing another type of pain from cancer: it is called FEAR.

A few weeks back a family member had a cancer “scare”. It was skin cancer, but, thank God, not the “bad” kind. And so a little surgery, a little reconstruction and a few weeks later he is all healed up and no one would be the wiser.

But, now this week, another person very dear to me was diagnosed with skin cancer. We don’t know yet whether it is the “good” kind or the “bad” kind. And, so we wait.

And just today I found out that someone else very dear to me, is waiting on test results for what might be cancer or might (hopefully) be something else.

I fear cancer more now than I ever did. I know what chemo is like, what radiation is like, what being made sick in the hopes of one day being made well, is like. And I know what life is like after cancer. And so when I think of someone very dear to me having to possibly go through that . . . I can not bear it. I am not saying that I wouldn’t be worried about it if I had not been through treatment myself. But, knowing what cancer can visit on a person makes it a whole different worry . . . to actually think that someone I care about might have to endure all of that is painful, frightening.

And, then there is my own fear for my own self. The fear I feel guilty for having . . . the fear of a recurrence. It is something that comes and goes . . . some days it is on my mind and some days it is not. I feel guilty for having that fear because I know so many people who have had a recurrence, who have terminal cancer, who will never end their treatment because treatment is what keeps them alive.

So my fears seem pretty petty when I look at it from that lens. But, these are real fears to me and yes, I feel guilty for feeling that way . . . almost like I feel sorry for myself. I hate that. I don’t like feeling sorry for myself. But, fearing a recurrence seems somehow akin to self pity, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like a victim . . . and that, to me, feels wrong. And, it definitely feels like a waste of time. But, sometimes it is just there, that fear, and there is little that I can do on those days to get rid of it.

Monday I see my oncologist because there is something on my right breast that does not seem normal. Some red spots. Maybe it is a rash. There is also a new pain in my right breast. Which, if you think about it, seems really odd since I don’t have breasts any more so why would I feel pain inside, where my breasts used to be . . . both were removed and replaced with implants . . . and as far as I know, implants don’t feel pain. So I don’t get it, don’t understand why I would have pain there where there is nothing that belongs to my body in that place. But, it hurts. And there are some red spots. Hence Monday’s appointment. (Oh, and just as an explanation for those of you reading this who have had breast reconstructive surgeries . . . I am used to the pain at the scar sites, but, this is different. Maybe this new pain is even normal. Who knows).

Maybe it is just a rash and maybe the pain is from something I did physically different this past week. I don’t know. But, my oncologist, who is going out of town for ten days, wants to see me before she leaves. She told me to either come in today or on Monday. I am angry and I am afraid. On the one hand, I am grateful that she is so accommodating and that she is able to see me before she goes on vacation.

On the other hand, I am alarmed that it can’t wait ten days. Or, why can’t it wait until my next scheduled appointment in February? Nope. I see her Monday.

A friend of mine has offered to drive me to Santa Monica on Monday (my oncologist is in Santa Monica). At the time she offered to drive me, I almost turned her down as it really didn’t seem necessary. But, now, as Monday looms and I have had a chance for my oncologist’s apparent urgency to see me to sink in, I believe that by Monday I may very well be a basket case. So, I am taking her up on her offer of a ride. And, we will make it fun. Santa Monica is a nice place to visit. We have a few favorite spots to eat, to window shop etc. There are some good distractions at the Third Street Promenade.

A rash. What a bunch of nonsense this whole cancer fiasco is . . . that some pain and a rash cause such a degree of alarm. God, I hope it is a rash.

That is what I hate the most about cancer . . . the fact that what might just be a rash stirs up all of THIS. A rash. Pray that is a rash, will you?

And pray that my friends waiting for results both get good news too.

Damn, fucking cancer. Fucking cancer.

I know, not the best language. But, sometimes that is the only word that works.

Thank you for your prayers and positive vibes.

Love and peace,

Lisa

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1/3 OF THE WAY DONE WITH RADIATION . . .

20 Nov

That’s it, that is all I wanted to say. That, and thank you to everyone who is, and has been, praying for me. I greatly appreciate it.

Okay, I guess there is still a little more to say:

Today was the completion of two weeks of radiation. Friday’s are the hardest as it has been five days in a row of mega doses of radiation each day. My skin looks sunburned is all, but feels quite tight. Mostly I am just tired. I slept most of the day today. My doctors tell me that weekends are intended as a time for rest to recuperate from the week of treatment. By Sunday (if last weekend was what is to be typical) I should feel at my best and ready for the next week of treatments to begin. BUT, I am so thankful for Thanksgiving because it means that I will have only three treatment days next week (Monday through Wednesday). I will then have Thursday through Sunday off. As I said earlier on my blog, I had the option of coming in on Friday (as the Cancer Center is open). But, I decided to take them up on their offer of having Friday off.

I am told it will not change the effectiveness of my treatment – it will simply extend my treatment by one day. So, instead of my treatment ending on December 18th, it will end on December 19th. All I know is that it will be over before Christmas and that is truly a blessing.

So far my physical symptoms (other than exhaustion) have not been too bad. I am practicing meditation and relaxation techniques and this has been extremely useful.

My blood pressure prior to my cancer diagnosis was about 104 over 55, sometimes lower. So I did not have high blood pressure. But, having now been in treatment for nearly 8 months – a great deal of that time my blood pressure was much higher (sometimes still in what is considered a healthy normal range, but many other times, way too high).

Well, ever since I incorporated the relaxation and meditation, I have seen my blood pressure return to normal. That has to be a good thing. I know it is not a cure for cancer, but it means that at least my heart is under less pressure and that has to be a good thing. Still, it takes a lot of effort to keep it up and to actively avoid stress. It is working though and so I just have to keep it up.

I will be going to bed soon, as rest is key.

Thank you for your continued prayers and positive thoughts – please keep them coming my way.

Much love,

L.

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"One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams." E. V. Lucas

10 Nov

Tonight I will dream that there is no cancer left in my body.

I had my first radiation treatment today. Although it was somewhat intimidating – the machinery, the noises associated with the machine doing it’s job etc – it did not seem all that bad.

Then, a few hours later my skin began to sting in places and then an hour or so later, it simply just began to burn. It is not a bad burning sensation. But, it concerns me because I was told I would probably not have any reactions until the second week.

So it went from, “Woo-hoo, one down, twenty-seven to go” (I will have a total of 28 radiation treatments) to “Hmmmm. Not so sure about this.”

But, I will do it, I have to do it and I have to get past it. And, maybe it will be easier after the first week or first few days, not worse like they say. And, they do say that everyone is different – some women experience a lot of redness and pain and some do not. Here’s to being in the group that does not. 🙂

All I know is that I am completely exhausted  (fell asleep today in while waiting for my oncologist – granted he kept me waiting a long time). But,the exhaustion has to be from only getting two hours of sleep last night. I doubt that it was the effect of one radiation treatment.

Well, it is late and I need to get some sleep. Another treatment tomorrow and every week day after that until December 18th. Assuming all goes well – and I am going to assume that all WILL go well.

While the radiation treatment is causing me some anxiety (again, more of the unknown), I am also very glad to have made it through so much – the chemo, the surgery. That makes me feel pretty good to have that behind me.

Please keep prayers and positive thoughts coming my way. I greatly appreciate it.

Much love,

Lisa

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