Nothing Gold Can Stay . . .

14 Aug

I lost a friend today.

I woke up this morning and read the following message:

“Did you hear the news about ______? She died last night. They think it was a combination of alcohol and pills . . . ”

I am so sad that she was so sad and in so much pain. I know she had been struggling – both with physical and emotional pain.

It is very hard to wrap my brain around someone choosing to die. And much harder still to wrestle with the fact that my friend chose to die.

I wish my friend peace.  I am without words and my heart aches.

Nothing Gold Can Stay,
by Robert Frost
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her Hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf, 
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day,
Nothing gold can stay.
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25 Responses to “Nothing Gold Can Stay . . .”

  1. The Presents of Presence August 14, 2013 at 12:49 PM #

    My heart goes out to you. It hurts even when you know they aren’t struggling anymore. xo

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 12:53 PM #

      Thank you, it is just so sad and I have to wonder if there wasn’t something I could have done to help her.
      xoxoxox

      • The Presents of Presence August 14, 2013 at 12:54 PM #

        I know ~ I understand. xoxo I’m sending you peace xo

      • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 12:54 PM #

        Thank you. I wish that for her family.

  2. Kathleen Hoffman, PhD August 14, 2013 at 1:12 PM #

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 1:20 PM #

      Thank you Kathleen 🙂
      XOXOX

  3. eak13 August 14, 2013 at 1:17 PM #

    I have been sitting with my friend for most of the day on gmail chat . His brother left a Blog indicating he planned on taking his own life today . My friend has called the Police, There is a missing person report out in the San Diego area.
    I’m here for my friend but I just don’t know what to say to reassure him. I feel totally helpless. There has been no word throughout the entire afternoon.This is so heartbreaking….

    May your friend Rest In Forever Peace….
    Alli….

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 1:19 PM #

      Oh I am so sorry. I am praying for your friend and your friend’s brother. How sad and scary. I pray that he is okay.
      So heart wrenching and so sad. All the best to you and your friend to a good outcome.
      Hugs

  4. AnneMarie August 14, 2013 at 2:43 PM #

    Oh Lisa,
    My heart is shattered. Having just been in a maze of mental health issues with a dear friend, this post and Alli’s comment make me realize how we must do better to see that those who need help, have access to the professional help they need.

    I am so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine your pain.

    Sending love to you,

    AnneMarie

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:32 PM #

      AnneMarie, thank you for your kind words. Yes, you are so right. And, it is scary how much this happens. I am so worried for Alli’s friend. So worried for the pain of my friend’s family and all of the what ifs. I had a busy day today – and I did not stop to let this really sink in – I simply wrote this short post and went on with the day (it was one of those days filled with appointments that had a way of marching on regardless of where my head or heart were at – and so I followed). Now that I am home and had a chance to let it sink in, I am so beyond devastated.

      And what about Alli’s friend? How horrifying to hear in advance and to be unable to do anything about it. I hope all will be well.

      Regardless, all will not be well with my friend or her family. Sigh.

      I have had so many thoughts and don’t even know what to say. I feel like I should have been a better friend and should have been there in some way, but I don’t know what that would have even been, meant or even looked like. She had – seemingly – a very full and happy life. She had troubles I was unaware of, I did not know of her addiction issues – that she had been in rehab, that she was about to go to rehab again, but changed her mind . . . so sad.

      I am sorry that you are going through a mental health maze. You are an amazing woman and friend – your friend is very lucky to have you.

      I am sending love your way – and to your friend you are helping too.

      Much love,
      XOXOXOXOX
      Lisa

  5. helensamia August 14, 2013 at 2:55 PM #

    When people take their own life they leave there pain behind for others, to be past in ripples going out to those who knew them.. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do.. I am so sorry that you have lost a friend.. Sending you peace…

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:40 PM #

      Hello Helen,
      This is true. I feel so badly for her family. She left parents and two siblings, a husband and nieces and nephews and many friends. Tragic.
      Thank you for your kind words.
      XOXOXOX
      Lisa

  6. The Savvy Sister August 14, 2013 at 4:20 PM #

    This is a terrible thing to have to go through.
    So sorry for what you are feeling.
    I wish peace for you and this person’s family and friends

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:37 PM #

      Thank you for your kinds words.
      I am so sorry for her family. 😦
      XOXOX
      Lisa

  7. Sandy August 14, 2013 at 4:22 PM #

    I’m sorry for your loss. *hug*

    • karen sutherland August 14, 2013 at 9:22 PM #

      dear lisa,

      I am so very sorry for your loss, and so sad for your friend who may have lost hope to have a better life. keep loving and hugging your friend in your heart, it’s what will help with the big void created by the “WHY” of it all.

      sending you many warm hugs to comfort you, and a message of peace to your friend,

      with love,

      Karen, TC

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:33 PM #
      • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:44 PM #

        Dear Karen,
        Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words, so well said. Yes, it is so sad that she lost hope. I am just so saddened and it is so hard to comprehend. Her poor parents and her family.
        Love
        XOXOXOX
        Lisa

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:41 PM #

      Thank you Sandy. Hugs back to you.
      Let’s get together soon.
      Much love to you, my friend.
      Lisa

  8. Angel Face Foundation August 14, 2013 at 4:51 PM #

    I am truly sorry for your loss, I have a friend in which I have start this blog and trying to reach out towards her and other alike, (addicts). The pain you feel I understand for I have lost many to drug abuse and this war on drugs. May Gods wisdom and peace fall on you along all going through or dealing with addiction issue. May they come to understand that they are loved and we just wish them peace and comfort in a world full of turmoil!

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:34 PM #

      Thank you.

  9. Brandie August 14, 2013 at 9:18 PM #

    (((hugs))) I’m so sorry for your loss and for your friend’s family

    • cancerfree2b August 14, 2013 at 11:34 PM #

      Thank you Brandie.
      Hugs back to you.
      XOXOX
      Lisa

  10. BlondeAmbition August 15, 2013 at 12:29 AM #

    I’m terribly sorry for your loss … and the timing of this post is eerie. An acquaintance of mine went missing yesterday and they found him today and it appears to have been suicide. He was a prominent psychiatrist and dating a friend of mine. Senseless, tragic, and sad.

    When I was diagnosed four years ago, I was casually friendly with a woman who was extremely troubled. I’d tried to get help for her at various times and the day I was released from the hospital after my bilateral, she tried to take her life and posted a very cryptic message on Facebook. I was the only one home that Saturday night who saw it and promptly called the police. They saved her life and she was placed under psychiatric observation for three days. She never knew I was the one who called.

    Having my own issues to deal with (breast cancer), I needed to distance myself from the drama she continued to subject me too. I felt terribly, but there simply wasn’t any more I could do for her. We ran into each other about a year later and she was in a very dark place again and asked me for some health resources which I gladly provided to her. She wanted to get together and I agreed to it but I told myself the ball was in her court. I was still not completely over the hell she put me through with her first attempt and wasn’t eager to resume any friendship with her. Predictably, I never heard from her.

    Two years ago, on July 4th, she finally succeeded in taking her life — on the day of her father’s 70th birthday. She was an only child and her parents were devastated. There was a huge cover-up with friends saying she accidentally had alcohol with pills. Very few people knew of her first attempt and the handful of us who did knew that this was no ‘accident’.

    While I understand how complicated mental illness is, it made me incredibly angry. Knowing several women who have died from breast cancer and others who are living with metastatic disease — words simply fail me how anyone could take their own life when so many would give anything just to live.

    My apologies for posting something so dark, but I have a really hard time reconciling such tragedies.

    • cancerfree2b August 15, 2013 at 12:06 PM #

      Oh I am so sorry to hear this. Yes, it has been eerie all around for so many reasons. I just heard that a seven year old boy who lives in my brother’s neighborhood was hospitalized because he tried to kill himself. This is crazy – a child???!! So sad.

      You have nothing to apologize for at all. This is how I have felt about suicide as well. Four years ago a friend of mine lost one of his dear friends to suicide. I had just completed chemo and was about to have surgery and then radiation and continue with the rest of the year long treatment of Herceptin all so I could maybe be alive at the end of it all. I was angry that someone would choose to end their life, end their suffering by ultimately hurting everyone that loved them (he was also an only child and his parents were elderly). I could not fathom someone who was perfectly healthy simply ending it all. But, my Mom said something to me that really resonated with me and that was that he must have been in some kind of incomprehensible pain in order to do what he did. When I say it resonated with me, I don’t mean that I could comprehend doing that, but I could comprehend that whatever he was feeling was something that I truly did not understand. And clearly, although at that time I would have given anything to be in this man’s free of cancer state, he was not “perfectly healthy”. There was something very wrong. The fact that he was an only child and took his own life, leaving his elderly parents without their only child, is unthinkable to me and horrific and just beyond torture for his parents. Suicide doesn’t just happen to the person, it happens to everyone that loves that person and there is some part of it that I wonder (not trying to be an arm chair psychiatrist) if it isn’t about anger and hurting people. But, clearly it is also about a certain kind of despair, the depths of which I am grateful to have never known.

      I am so sorry for your friend’s tragic end. I am glad you distanced yourself from your friend. Going through breast cancer is no walk in the park and taking on the problems of others is just not something that is good to do. I did that to a degree at a certain point, even felt that I had an obligation to do it since so many had helped me. But, taking on others’ stress is not healthy and could prove to be risky.

      I am very sad that my friend was not able to get the help that she needed. I had not been in touch for a while because, quite frankly I felt I could not handle her energy. That is something that I partially feel a bit of guilt over, but at the same time, I know that there is nothing I could have done for her. Years and years of friendship did not make her different. She was in physical and emotional pain. I don’t understand the depths of it and I definitely can not relate to her solution at all.

      And yes, I am angry too. My immediate reaction was that of sadness. I know that she was tortured by some things, things that I could never change for her. She was a victim as a child and I think she never escaped that, as much as I prayed and hoped that she would.

      Very sad.

      Thank you for your very thoughtful reply and for commenting. I completely relate to everything that you said.

      I wish you all the best in health and every other way.

      XOXOXOX
      Lisa

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