Archive | January, 2011

Wishing Everyone Good Health in the New Year . . .

1 Jan

I feel like I should write something profound here to start off the new year. But, I’ve got nothing. I am simply hoping for good health for myself and for everyone I know. And, hoping for the ability to support myself in the new year (I am re-starting a business after being off for more than a year and a half).

I am grateful for every day.

Health is something I never took for granted and never will take for granted. The past couple of months have been a bit difficult. I have found it hard to stay on track and harder still to handle the workload in front of me. It affects my non-work life too.

Re-entering the work world was not the woo-hoo that I thought it would be. It has been, and is, a real challenge.

But, it is getting better. I was extremely upset some weeks back when I realized – on a daily basis – I just can’t do what I used to do anymore . . . not even close. But, finally, instead of trying to push through my list of things to do, I stop and take that nap. Or, I stop and relax in some way.

Everything is different. As I take on more tasks in a day and in a week it seems that my post cancer-roller-coaster brain remembers less and less. It is like there is only room for so much – as I add more tasks something has got to give. And it does give (I lost my purse, my keys . . . as in had to replace everything, never turned up. This kind of stuff happens a lot now).

But, I am learning how to cope with my new brain (I make lists – incredibly detailed lists with baby steps of each task listed out). I would be embarrassed if anyone saw my lists – but, it works for me.

I find that as I look away from the computer to reach for something I may forget what I was reaching for . . . wow, my brain is like a sieve. So, rather than sit frustrated most of the day (which I DID do for quite a bit the first month of working) I make out an incredibly detailed list of everything I need to do. And, I repeatedly refer to it. Some days I refer to the list less often while other days I repetitively have to look at the list. Either way, it works.

It keeps me on task. I realize – at least for now – that I am unable to consistently keep on task and I find myself getting lost – sometimes literally. So I sort of put together my own crutch to get me through. And sometimes I just have to accept that I will not be getting to the list.

It is funny. I have always referred to this cancer thing as a roller coaster. And, I have always thought that I would be getting off of the roller coaster at some point – meaning maybe I will not think about cancer one day – that I will simply go back to my normal life. Well . . . 🙂

Everything is different now. Don’t get me wrong . . . having fun is still having fun . . . but, there are real differences in how I approach everything now. Probably the most marked difference is in what things actually make it to my to-do list these days.

Work tasks aside (which inevitably includes things I do not enjoy along with things I do enjoy) I avoid things that I do not want to do now. I realize that I have a finite amount of energy in each day. So, I pick more carefully how I am going to spend each day. I am not sure if that means that I appreciate things more than before. But, I do know that how I spend my time is more important to me now. I am much pickier about how I spend my day.

I will start the new year with scans and an appointment with my oncologist. I am nervous about the scans (headaches and all). But, hopefully I will get good news.

What can I say? It definitely puts a damper on things when you have to schedule medical stuff knowing that there are possibilities out there that are not so desirable. But, there is a lot of living to do also. And a lot of work to get back to and hopefully a lot of plans to make.

I made some New Years resolutions and I still have some to make . . . I am still thinking about it . . . after all I am a bit choosier about what makes it to the list now.

In some ways last year was the best year of my life  and in some ways it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I do not know what 2011 will bring. But, I pray for good health and peace, including peace of mind.

Happy New Year, much and love,

Lisa