Hoping for sunny skies ahead . . .

I met with my oncologist today. Everything went as expected. She was concerned about the headaches I have been having and has ordered a brain MRI. I will also have a routine chest CT at the same time (at least I think it will be done on the same day, not sure about that). But, in any case, I will get both done very soon.

I am not surprised by any of this. But, it is a bit sobering. And, pretty damn scary. I hate this stuff. I don’t know anyone who likes it, so that is kind of a stupid thing to say I guess. But, I really do not like it.

In my appointment today Dr. Hurvitz asked me how long ago the headaches started . . . when I answered her she winced. That was not especially comforting. But, I know that she can not give me any definitive answer about what is causing my headaches without having results from scans. Obviously I am hoping that everything comes back clear.

My Dad drove me up to Santa Monica today for my appointment. I was going to drive myself up there. But, my Mom thought it would be a good idea for my Dad to take me today. She was right. I would not have had a very good ride home today if it were me driving home alone. My Dad and I had lunch together afterwards and now I am home alone and it is sinking in . . . the worry on my oncologist’s face. Damn.

I saw her nurse as I was walking out of the exam room. She asked how I was doing and I told her . . . apparently everyone knows what having headaches potentially means. It makes me feel kind of stupid now. I mean I don’t think I delayed in bringing the headaches to her attention. But, maybe I did? I was sick after Thanksgiving and have pretty much had headaches ever since then. I just figured that it was from the cold that I had (sinus congestion and all) and/or the weird weather we have been having.

I don’t know what is causing my headaches and neither does anyone else. There is no point in speculating. I guess I was just a little shocked when everyone I interacted with at UCLA’s Oncology Department seemed to immediately react to my telling them I am having headaches. So, scans soon.

I had some insurance related issues to deal with today (payment and authorizations). In the process I spoke with my case manager and he was surprised to hear that I was back to work full time. My oncologist also seemed surprised. I guess I don’t really know what I am supposed to be doing. Nobody told me anything about when to return to work. I just assumed that it was the thing to do.

I worked when I was going through treatment until I could not work. And now that I am done with treatment it seems that I should be back to work. Maybe I need to take it a little easier. But, I am anxious to get my business back on track and to be back out there. I need it for many reasons, not the least of which are financial reasons. But, there is also the desire to return to a normal routine and that means working.

But, so much is really not normal. Daily headaches, limited energy and difficulties concentrating and completing tasks . . . not normal. And, now that I am back on Tamoxifen, I have nausea which lasts a few hours each day. I am hopeful that as I am on Tamoxifen longer that these side effects will lessen. I am splitting the dose up over the day so that it doesn’t hit me all at once. This seems to be easier to tolerate.

I take half at about 3:00 pm after I have completed most of my day and then I take the other half dose about midnight. At the moment, I get sick for a few hours after taking it. But, the dose that I take at midnight doesn’t seem to really affect me as much because I am not sitting up or walking around. So the dizziness and nausea is not so noticeable. The goal is to sleep through the side effects – at least the side effects of the midnight dose. Sometimes that works pretty well. Last night I was up until 4: 30 in the morning. Then I slept until 7:30 and got going for the day. Not enough sleep. But, I am hopeful that I will get on a better routine.

I have a feeling that the real reason I did not sleep last night was simply being anxious over seeing my oncologist today. I kept playing over different scenarios in my head. In none of the scenarios did she ever reassure me about the headaches. And, I knew that she would not reassure me. It isn’t her style to placate me. She speaks the truth. I know as much as she does that she can not tell me why I am having headaches. She can only order scans. So, that is where I am at . . . kind of foggy with a chance of stormy weather ahead . . . but really hoping that I get sunny skies.

I really appreciate your continued prayers. It means a lot to me.

Much love,

Lisa

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