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I don’t like to write about these worries, but, a big part of why I even write this blog in the first place is to get things off of my mind. To dump. I realize that many loved ones read this blog and so I worry about causing worry.
But, I need to write sometimes just so I can go on with my day and function.
I have had headaches now – more days than not – since early September. As a result, I will probably have a scan soon (I will already have a chest CT scan soon . . . I could have it as early as this week . . . if I wanted to . . . BUT . . . I do NOT want to . . . so I am going to wait another week before scheduling it. I need a little more time before I enter that world of waiting for results again). Besides, my oncologist may add another scan (because of the headaches). If she does, I will want to do both on the same day. So, I am going to wait to hear what she has to say about my headaches and whether or not it warrants getting an additional scan. Ugh. I hate this part of the cancer roller coaster – wait, that sounds like there are parts of the cancer roller coaster that I like . . . hmmm, not really 🙂
Well, this morning I discovered a new symptom. Etiology unknown. But, thanks to the internet, within seconds I can discover all kinds of horrific reasons for why I have this symptom. I am choosing to go with the least worrisome reason – hemorrhoids – yeah, isn’t this lovely talk for a Sunday morning? Aren’t you glad you clicked on my blog? Sorry. I should put a warning label of some kind preceding posts like this one.
So the symptom is rectal bleeding . . . just a little. I can’t believe I am writing about this. But, if I am to be honest about all of this cancer crap, then I have to write about all aspects of it, not just those that I think people can stomach. There can’t be the parts that we can’t discuss or share because it is not politically/medically correct . . . right? Otherwise, it would be misleading.
Most every cancer patient experiences intestinal problems due to chemotherapy, pain pills, antibiotics etc. All of these medications wreak havoc on your intestinal tract (not to mention, causing other problems elsewhere in your body).
I am presuming that this new symptom is due to either fissures or hemorrhoids . . . and not due to colon cancer. I wish it were Monday already. If it were I would go straight to my doctor and get something done about this. But, instead, I need to wait until tomorrow. And, yes, worry about it. Damn you cancer. Damn you for making any little thing potentially enormous. F you cancer for doing that to me, to everyone who gets this disease and to their loved ones. Sometimes I think it is just best to keep my mouth shut (except for telling my doctors) because quite frankly what is the point in alarming my Mom, for example? But, I can’t exist in this medical vacuum where I shelter everyone in my life from “it” and the possibilities “it” brings.
I also can not dwell on those possibilities. And, for the most part, I do not. But, it is hard when you are sitting alone – battling a ten day headache and trying to just work through it – to not think about those possibilities. It is, after all, so much easier to think you are well when you actually feel well.
Here’s to feeling and being well.
Today I took charge and put myself back on a more stringent diet – like the one I employed during treatment. If nothing else, it makes me feel like I have some say, some control in this nonsense.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers. I thought I would not need those prayers so much by now. But, I realize I am not, at least mentally I am not, out of the woods.
Thank you for your continued love, support, prayers and positive vibes.
Love and peace,
Lisa
cancerfree2b 
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