The physical pain is more bearable this evening. Last night I didn’t sleep at all really. Tonight I’m suffering from another kind of pain, I guess. Something ibuprofen doesn’t fix.
My right side is still fairly painful. But, not as bad as last night.
This being unmarried and going through cancer and the reconstruction surgeries (even though I am almost done) is just tough. I’m not saying I want to marry tomorrow, I am just saying that it has been hard to go through this without someone in the ” . . . in sickness and health” vain. As much as I have friends and family, it is just not the same as having someone here, here when you don’t think you need someone, but, you discover that you truly do. Here with me at two in the morning when I wake up afraid. That reassurance of another human being next to you during those times . . . a hand to hold, an embrace.
People come and go in your life. Most family and friends stick by you, but, not having a partner in life, that is something that is very different. It means that you are alone in those most intimate moments . . . when you are afraid and vulnerable . . . who do you truly open up too? You don’t, at least I don’t. I tell people I am fine . . . well, okay, on the blog I don’t necessarily tell you I am fine all of the time. But, I ultimately always come to that conclusion on here, like it is necessary for me to end every post with, “Lisa is fine”, or “Lisa will be fine”
Sure, I will be, I always seem to make my way through . . . and believe me, it has been with the help of so many. But, that partner thing, that is what makes some of this so unbearable at times. And, it isn’t even that I want to talk about what I am going through with a partner, no, instead it is just wanting to not be alone in all of this. I know I have so many praying for me, so many willing to help me. But, it is different. And, I wonder if people get that.
I wrote a song some years back. The lyrics started with, “I used to sing in my sleep, but, now the trouble runs too deep”. There is more to the song . . . and there are many other songs, none of which anyone has ever heard. I wrote that one many years ago . . . after learning that I sang in my sleep. I wasn’t sad when I wrote the song, I sometimes just write sad songs intentionally, not feeling sad when I write them, but, just wanting to write a sad song. So i would imagine a situation, or a relationship, create a fictional one in my head if necessary . . . sort of a method song writing approach instead of method acting.
And then there were times I would come up with a sad song without any help . . . without having to create a fake sadness 🙂
I guess this is one of those days. It is too late to sit at my piano and write . . . I have neighbors after all . . . but, it is what I would like to do.
Maybe I will just play the piano really softly . . .
Goodnight all . . .
Lisa
cancerfree2b 
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