Feeling Better . . .

13 Aug

Well, physically I feel much better. I played bass last night, that was fun. It was an easy gig (we opened for another show and played during their intermissions). It was fun.

The expansions are going well I think. It hurts for the first day or two, but, then after that it seems to be fine. So that is very positive.

As personal as this blog seems . . . details about my cancer history, the treatment stuff as I was going through it, etc. . . . I don’t get too personal here . . . not with respect to what I would consider my private life. There are ups and downs there . . . as we all experience. The highs and lows of relationships. Cancer makes the sweet things sweeter . . . but, I have learned recently, that it makes the sad things, losses, much, much more sad.

I don’t know how to navigate that. The intensity of things is sometimes so great . . . I think that I have a hard time imagining that I could have certain things . . . even when they are right there in front of me . . . simply because of what I have been through.

This probably doesn’t make any sense. All I know is that losses seem to be felt more greatly than ever. Certain things just hit so hard and I can be inconsolable at times.

I am not the person I was before cancer. I know that now. I know that for certain. I have changed. And, it is not just this carved up body that I now live in (although, my surgeon is working on fixing that:)). No, it is recognizing that have different needs now, different expectations.

I just want to go back in time. That is what I want. And, not back in time before cancer, not that far back. I just want to go back to the Fourth of July, when I rode my bike ten miles for the first time in a year, when I felt just exhilarated and happy and full of life and full of hope for the future. Yep, I want that day, that weekend back.


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