A gray day . . .

21 Jul

It is gray today. Kind of how I feel a little bit right now . . . gray. I colored my hair the other day . . . I am now a red head. Not sure if I like it or not, but, it is different and that suits me just fine these days because I am different.

Cancer changes things. It changes your body, it changes your mind and it changes how you view yourself and the world. Some days I want to do something extraordinary and then on other days I just want to crawl into bed. Then there are the days in between. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy most of the time. But, I do feel out of place quite a bit. Is this the life I have fought so hard for? Is this it? A year ago I would have been happy to just be able to get back on my normal rollercoaster of running my business and living my life. But, now, it doesn’t seem to be enough . . . not that I would know because I do not have that life back yet. But, I don’t think I even want it anymore.

After the battle I have been through, shouldn’t there be something extraordinary that was worth that fight? Will I measure up? I don’t know. And, do I sound selfish to presume that I should be special, that I should have more than what I had before? It isn’t even about having more . . . it is about having something different.

Cancer robs you of normalcy and it robs you of complacency too. I guess the latter part is a good thing. But, it makes me impatient . . . mostly with myself, but, also sometimes, with others. I find myself less tolerant of things. I seem to have lost that laissez faire attitude that I think I once had. I never had it with respect to myself, my work, or business. But, I had it towards others. I don’t know. Maybe I am just being a whiner. But, I do know this, I haven’t found my place yet.

I so naively thought that once this was all over with that I would simply go back to my normal life. Well, that doesn’t happen. And, I am not done with this yet . . . there is that next surgery looming overhead. But, I will get past it. I know this. I just need to figure out what I am getting back to when I do . . . that is the hard part, because it is not, and will not be my old life.

Love and peace,


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