Not feeling so well . . .

Haven’t slept yet tonight . . . it is now nearly 4:30 am. I am either in pain or just can’t find a position to sleep in and then there is nausea and other issues along the same track (we’ll just leave it at that).

I am pretty upside down and I know that if I could get some sleep that I would be better off, but, I can’t seem to get any. I couldn’t stay awake when I was in the emergency room – fell asleep in the middle of the nurses questions. I don’t ever remember doing that before.

But, I had not slept in several days at that point and I had some pain meds in my system.

Today was a very slow one for me, moving slow. I did get in a very short walk, but, that wore me out and caused me some pain afterwards. I don’t know about this surgery I had. I know that I am better this week pain wise than last week. But, I just don’t know if I did the right thing.

What is done is done now, so there is not much point in thinking about what could have been. I just feel that I was pushed in a certain direction (okay, I know that I was pushed in a certain direction). And, the thing is, this was all done when I was under so much stress – going through cancer treatment, worrying about scan results, worrying about whether my cancer treatment was working – it was just such an unbelievably head-spinning time.

I felt shoved into doing a particular procedure, it was never presented to me as a choice . . . as in, “here, there are the following ways we can approach your reconstruction . . . ”

Instead, it was presented as the only option and when I came in to later meetings with my surgeon and presented other options, she basically told me that the option she wanted for me was the only correct one. She was very pushy about it and while I did have friends and family questioning it, I went ahead with the procedure my surgeon wanted to do. I know I am a pretty strong willed person. But, when you are standing naked in a cold exam room with your surgeon and two of her assistants all talking about you as if you are not there, then not even allowing you to get dressed or sit down before discussing your options . . . well, any hutzpah or just presence of mind pretty much goes out the window.

There is something about that dynamic that is truly very weird and . . . well, I don’t know the word for it . . . debilitating? Not sure that’s really the word, but, I sure as heck was not able to think or come up with questions. So, yeah, I felt like the whole thing was sort of crammed down my throat.

And now, I am angry at myself for not sticking up for myself better . . . or at all. This whole thing is so different, I think, for a woman who is unmarried and does not have kids. It is almost like you don’t exist in quite the same way for the doctor . . . they know that you don’t belong to anyone . . . there isn’t some man who is going to be pissed at them or that they have to keep happy. So, instead, they can just kind of push you around.

Well, I am just in pain and have nausea right now . . . not a particularly great combination. I can’t really fend for myself too well. But, I can’t continue to have my parents stay over night here, not getting any sleep. So, the past couple of nights I have stayed on my own. It doesn’t really matter I guess, since I am up all night anyway. But, it is hard being here by myself. I know there are people I can call who can come over if I were to need anything – and my brother Paul is only a few miles away – if there were some kind of emergency. So, I’m covered that way.

It is just the simple things, like trying to get a glass out of the cupboard, food out of the fridge and good luck trying to raise my arm high enough to put something in the microwave.

It is tough being single, doing this cancer thing single. On the other hand, it could definitely be worse.

I just need to get well and fast. I need to start taking Tamoxifen. But, I can’t do it until I get upright from this surgery. Tamoxifen causes a lot of difficult side effects. So, I need to get past this surgery enough before I can start taking Tamoxifen.

I am just so incredibly worn out and I am beginning to really worry about when I will ever be able to get back to work. And, still so shocked that there are literally no organizations that provide financial assistance to cancer patients . . . it is all about the cure . . . certainly a worthy cause. But, how does someone get through this without financial assistance? It is impossible.

Cancer Bridges, I intend to fix this hole, there has got to be a way. Susan G. Komen raises millions of dollars for research, Lance Armstrong provides valuable emotional support, American Cancer Society . . . well, I haven’t figured out what they do, because for me, they have simply referred me to everyone else . . . seriously, that’s what they do.

I don’t know. I shouldn’t write at 4:30 in the morning when I am in pain and sick to my stomach. But, I have to think that if I didn’t have to worry about where my next rent payment was coming from while I am sick, that I would probably feel less sick. We have a pretty grim system if you ask me.

It will all sort out I suppose. But, today was just rough. I am so tired of not feeling well, it needs to stop. And, watching my parents suffer like they do, it is just absolutely, absolutely too much. This is not how things are supposed to be.

Please keep up the prayers. I know there are many people praying for me and I greatly appreciate it.

I just want to get back to my life, back to work.

Much love,

Lisa