24 Hour Pity Party – OVER

26 Feb

Hello All,

Well, my 24 hour pity party is over.

Yesterday’s oncology appointment was a rough one for me (and for my parents, especially my Mom who was in the exam room with me when I saw my oncologist). Like I said, I guess nothing that happened was very surprising. But, it was just a bit sobering to hear it from my doc. Based upon what has been going on, I would have (if I were my doc) ordered a bone scan. And, based upon my intolerance to Tamoxifen, I would have (if I were my doc) suggest/consider some of the other alternatives (none of which I like, but, it is what it is).

But, I’m over it. I have to be over it. So, I am. Simple. I cried last night on the phone with my Mom as I drove home from a gig. It was after midnight and my parents stayed up to get the call that I was safely on my way home. It really hit me then. Having watched all of these young people, healthy, dancing and seemingly with no worries or cares, while I was digesting what transpired in my meeting with my doctor earlier that day, was just all too much.

It was so good to see my band again, to play again and to know that I CAN play (as this was the first time since my surgery that I had even picked up the bass). So “frozen shoulder” and all, it worked out and it was fun.

But, as soon as I got into my car to drive home, called my Mom and heard my Mom’s voice, I fell apart. But, she talked me through my drive home and stayed on the phone with me until 1:00 in the morning. I don’t cry much, haven’t cried in a very, very long time. A year ago, when I was first diagnosed – there was a lot of crying – family, friends. But, that was then and this is now and well, I just haven’t had room for it. I can’t say every day has been easy. But, I can say that overall, I really have felt positive about my ability to survive this disease.

But, yesterday was not one of those days. Anyway, I am done with that now.

I will go and get my bone scan and I will pray the results are fine. And, if the results are not fine, then I will figure that out somehow too. I owe my family and friends way to much to sit around and mope or cry.

It did feel good to get it out though . . . and it is out. Swept out and I am feeling like I am back. Back to whatever it is that I am back to – I don’t know exactly 🙂 – but it is definitely NOT feeling sorry for myself or thinking about what I could have done differently in my life to avoid this disease (as if that were even possible) and it is not about crying (although I don’t doubt I will cry someday again, just hopefully not anytime soon and hopefully it will be tears of joy, I have after all, had many days where I cried because I was so very happy).

And just a final note – I am so very, very glad that I never went the anti-depressant route. If you have read prior posts, you will know that it was suggested many times to me. It is very much standard protocol to be put on anti-depressants pretty much from the moment you are diagnosed with cancer. I was immediately told which types were available and asked which one I would like. I told every medical practitioner that suggested it that I would like not to take any. I got a lot of weird looks and odd responses to my declining these drugs. But, I have no regrets about it. I felt then, as I still do now, that it is normal to have days where you are depressed. It is normal to have those feelings whether you have cancer or not. Sometimes you do just need to cry and isn’t that what makes the good times even sweeter?

So my wonderful parents came out this afternoon and are staying with me tonight. They brought their little rascal of a dog so that he can have a visit with my dog’s groomer here. In fact, I should take a before and after picture of him. Anyway, it is so nice to have their company this evening (even their dog too).

I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for and that is where my focus is now. I am, after all, still here . . . and I plan on keeping it that way for a very long time.

So pity party over, movin’ on! 🙂

Thank you all for your prayers, please, please, please keep those prayers coming! 🙂

Much love,

L.

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