Note to reader: this post was supposed to post Saturday morning and for some reason it did not. Anyway, things have improved since Fri/Sat. But, since I wrote this post and intended to post it, I am doing so, even if it is a few days late). So here you are:
What a difference a day makes . . . I hope 🙂
Not having to do radiation today or tomorrow is such a relief. I am grateful for these two days of not having to go in for treatment. And, over the weekend of Thanksgiving (which is also my birthday over that weekend) I have the option of having four days off! Hoag’s radiation cancer center will be closed on Thanksgiving day, but will reopen the next day. However, I was told that I had the option of taking that Friday off or going ahead with treatment that day. I think I am going to take the day off – which will mean a four day break from treatment. Since I would be missing a scheduled treatment (they have scheduled 28 treatment days) they would tack on an additional day at the end of my treatment to compensate. Of course, I will see what my radiology oncologist says about it as the date gets closer.But, right now I am leaning towards taking that day off.
All I want now right now is peace and quiet and rest. This driving around (or rather being driven around) from treatment to doctor’s appointments all last week has exhausted me. Yesterday was especially stressful. Some people do not always understand my limitations when I am in pain – and as a result they have the same expectations of me as they might have had a week prior. This radiation is so different, so draining. I don’t know what next week will bring, but I know that I have to take more control over how I spend my time. I have no energy for extensive discourse or disagreements. One argument or heated discussion and I feel as though I am set back days and days. So, I will just not allow any more of that to happen in my life.
I just need to create more space and peace in my life. I need calm, I need to meditate, I need to pray and I need to get my self back. The self that has somehow been stamped out here and there by this ugly disease. I plan on doing whatever I can to make progress on that his weekend and next week.
My busy time of year will begin soon with my work and we shall see how that goes. I haven’t decided how to handle that.I know I am getting better. I know that the radiation will be over with relatively soon . . . I am just about 20% of the way done with my radiation treatment. So that is something I guess. 🙂 And, by the time I would need to perform on any of the contracts that I would enter into in the next 30 days, I will have completed the radiation treatment. The trouble is that I have no idea how I will feel at the end of the radiation treatment. Some women recover pretty quickly – women who are in seemingly worse physical health than I am – women who eat poorly and use cancer as an excuse to have milkshakes everyday and things that they might not ever eat otherwise. And then there are women who take months to recover. I wish I knew which woman I was going to be. Maybe I just need to choose. I mean really, maybe it is that simple – just choosing to not let it take your energy and choosing to recover as soon I am done with it.
Or, maybe I need an occasional milkshake 🙂
cancerfree2b 
Just a follow up to this post (now that some of what I was talking about – not knowing how long I would take to recover from radiation). i chose not to take on any work during this year’s first busy season. (I have two busy seasons each year because of the line of work that I am in). And, about half of my income is made each year during these two periods (with some coming in from book publishing at different periods of the year – but that is not a major source of income for me). So, it was a tough decision financially. But, there was no way that I could take on clients without knowing with certainty that I would be able to serve them, so I did not. Well, I take that back – I took on ONE client – she knows my medical condition and is a friend as well as someone who needs my services – so we have a good understanding and it has and is working out well. I see her about once a week in person (which is a pleasure, although it is work and I do have to be “up” so to speak) and then the rest of the work that i do for her is done online. But, again, she knows of my physical condition and knows me well and so with full disclosure we forged ahead.
I am grateful that I am not working – sort of. It is depressing to be home and to be homebound most every day (as I still can not drive more than a mile or two – but that WILL change) and I deeply miss the interaction with both colleagues and clients. That is the hardest part – I have never been much of a couch potato – but I have been forced to be one for several months now, actually the worse part of a year, I guess.
Anyway, all I really wanted to say was that I decided shortly after this post that there was no way that I could take on contracts with clients because I had no way of knowing whether I would be able to perform. So I did not. It means that financially I am suffering but, cancer is an expensive battle and it was simply the choice I had to make and I do not regret it (I do regret that I HAD to make this choice). But, I know it was the right decision for me, for my prospective clients and for my business.