Archive | August, 2009

Ready, set, go . . .

6 Aug

Thank you to everyone for your support, prayers, love, assistance, phone calls, cards, movie loans, grocery shopping, rides to doctor appointments and chemo and visits – I could not have come this far without you all. I am so grateful.

Well, it looks like I have been cleared for surgery. Apparently it is believed that my cold is an allergy. I don’t know how they tell these things. But, if they say I am okay to go forward with surgery then I guess I am. I feel alright now, it is in the mornings that I seem to have a sore throat and feel under the weather.  I am still waiting to hear how my blood work was, but I presume that is pretty decent since my blood work from two weeks ago was pretty good. It should only have improved since then.

Still, I look forward to hearing the results just for my own peace of mind.

I am not incredibly anxious about tomorrow. I mean, what can I do really? I have taken the best care of myself that I know how to do. I feel good about that. I have tried to be pro-active (if not a complete pain in the ass) and to simply be my own advocate. There have been some real struggles from which I have learned a great deal. But, now I just have to focus on getting well, recovering from surgery and moving on to the next step of my recovery.

I still need to pack a bag. And I still need to take care of some things here at my house. But, it will all come together I am sure.

I have movies here and more coming and books to read as well. So I think that is covered too.

I plan on having someone write on my blog to let everyone know how I am doing after surgery.

Well, I will try to write one more post before surgery tomorrow if I can.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Surgery tomorrow?

6 Aug

My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. I was cleared for surgery on Tuesday (or at least it looked that way, based upon the early tests). But, I just got off the phone with one of my surgeons and she is not happy that I have a cold right now. I am on an antibiotic and have been for the past three days. But, I am coughing, have a sore throat, and congestion in my chest and sinuses. I presumed regardless I would go forward with surgery. But, my surgeon says it is the anesthesiologist’s call. Great, I have never met him or her. Anyway, I am still presuming that I will go forward with surgery tomorrow. But, I guess it is a little bit up in the air now.

I have to go to my reconstruction surgeon this afternoon (this was news to me, found out this morning about it) to be marked prior to surgery. I have to go to her Mission Viejo office which is about a 45 min to 1 hour drive from here. Not the way I wanted to spend my afternoon today.

Have to shower first with some kind of special pre-surgery soap … hibacleans it is called. This will be my last shower for a few months. Isn’t that nice 🙂

But, I am doing fine . . . completely holding it together . . . I just poured myself a glass of juice . . . only instead of getting a glass out of the cupboard, I pulled out a bowl and filled it with juice. Yep, I am completely with it today.

Well, I am off to take my last shower for a while 🙂

Pre-op hop . . .

5 Aug

Well it is getting pretty close to surgery and I still have a lot to do. My hands hurt too much to type right now (still a left over from the chemotherapy). So, I will keep it short.

I don’t know if I can get everything done that I wanted to get done prior to surgery, but I am doing my best. I can feel how exhausted it is making me and so I think I need to balance getting everything done with actually getting some rest – the rest has not been happening. So, I guess something has to give because skipping the getting rest part is really not an option. So perhaps I will have to give up on some of the things on my to do list.

Hopefully today goes smoothly and I get what I need done and also get some much needed rest. It is definitely a struggle. And, then there are the emotions about having this surgery. Letting go of a part of my body. Wow. I know it is not like it is a limb, but it is a big deal. I can’t even express how it feels, certainly not here anyway. And if I hear another person tell me that I am “getting breast implants” like it was some sort of prize, or that I will be the new and improved Lisa (that is my least favorite comment), well, I think I will scream. The idea that I will somehow be better than I was before the surgery because I will have perky breasts (breasts that I will not be able to feel, that cannot breast feed a child . . . breasts that are not mine) is really so odd and such a reflection of our culture being so focused on being barbie. I would never in a million years have opted to have plastic surgery or breast augmentation. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful that I CAN have reconstruction and I am incredibly grateful to have the surgeons that I have. My breast reconstruction surgeon is amazing and does amazing work. But, this is no prize I can tell you.

I will report back soon.

Wish me luck.

Surgery in three days . . .

4 Aug

Yesterday I had pre-op testing at Hoag and will be going back today for more (I am having a treadmill stress test to see how my heart is doing). Yesterday’s EKG was normal so hopefully today’s test will be normal as well.

I will be going to a support group as well. It has been helpful in the past. Today, however, I am bringing my Mom with me (or rather she is meeting me there – as I have the treadmill test before the support group meeting). I may have to be a bit late, depending upon when I get out of my test.

I hope it will be helpful to my Mom to go to the group today. There are women of all ages there (some going through treatment and some who have recovered and have made their way through cancer and some who have had recurrences). Hopefully it will be a positive experience for my Mom and for me as well. This whole experience has certainly taken its toll on my parents. That is probably the worst thing about this diagnosis for me . . . to see them have to suffer because of me.

I feel like each day is filled up with so much stuff and then the day passes and I have one less day to take care of things that I need to take care of before surgery. My dog needs a bath, my house needs to be cleaned, I still have to arrange care takers, I need to speak with my surgeons again (in particular about my release date from the hospital), I need to shop for food, I need to pay bills in advance so that I do not have to take care of that again until after I have recovered, I need to rest, I need to write thank you cards, I need to speak with someone at Hoag about my diet while I am in the hospital (I am on a pretty restricted diet – mostly self imposed – but encouraged by my primary care physician who is an MD who practices integrative medicine and to whom I give great credit for my pretty much normal blood counts – in spite of going through chemotherapy these past two and a half months), I need to pick up prescriptions, finish up paper work for hospital admission, get ready for not working for several weeks, if not a month or more (this means finishing up online course materials for my classes so that my assistant can enroll students in my absence and get them started on self study until I am back to work) and who knows what all else I need to do – this chemo brain is less and less reliable these days.

Oh, I know another thing I need to/want to do and that is to find something to work on, read or listen too that might help my brain function. Chemo brain is a real thing and can last for  some time. Studies have shown that exercises and learning new things (like studying a foreign language) can help rework those synapsis that are messed up with by the chemo.

I have trouble finding the correct words when I am speaking or writing. And, I have trouble spelling . . . something I really never had trouble with. It is very, very frustrating.

Every time I have trouble with speaking, coming up with the right word, it never fails that someone tells me that they know what I mean, that it happens to them all of the time. Well, I don’t think so. It is not the kind of thing where you just can’t remember the name of an actor or a movie or when you know something and it is “on the tip of your tongue”. Or, walking into a room and not remembering what you went into that room for.  We have all experienced those things. Chemo brain is different. It actually hurts my head when I am struggling to find a word or remember something that I was about to say. Words get jumbled, I can’t process more than one thing at a time. It is like an extreme overload on the brain. Examples, I say calendar instead of calculator (but, they are such similar words, right? Aaargh).

Fortunately my friends and family seem to speak chemo. Or, at least they are not letting on how much I don’t make sense some of the time. But, I know it is happening and I know that it will get better the further out I am from my last chemo. And, I know that as the stress of this disease lessens and I continue to improve and heal that my brain function will improve as well. Still, it is a very frustrating experience.

So, I think I need to get a hold of some foreign language CDs or MP3s. That might help. Maybe Italian would be good. I would love to go back to Italy. Of course Spanish would be far more practical.

Well, I am off soon for my stress test and then to meet my Mom at the support group and then home by the late afternoon to hopefully make some progress on my pre-surgery list.

Thank you to everyone who is saying prayers for me. A friend emailed me today to tell me that she was praying for me and that her sister had put me on a prayer chain at her church where over 800 people would be praying for my recovery. I so appreciate all of these prayers.

Say a prayer for my chemo brain too 🙂

Carmella, I am sorry I missed your call yesterday. I will try reaching you in the late afternoon today. Love to you and to everyone!

So here's the plan . . .

3 Aug

L&G Man 8-02-09After spending a day and a half on the phone with my oncologist’s office, UCLA and my insurance provider, I have decided the following: I will skip the Herceptin treatment this week (since my oncologist refuses to allow it, and since I can no longer spend my time and energy – of which I have little – on fighting with him any longer). I will then resume Herceptin next week – after surgery – with or without my oncologist’s permission.

UCLA called my oncologist to try to convince him to allow me to have Herceptin administered this week. As was expected, he did not budge. In fact, he did not take their call and instead his physician’s assistant took the call on his behalf. UCLA called me back and explained that they got no where with my oncologist.They asked his PA to get him on the phone, he was “unavailable”, so they asked her to ask him to consider their explanation of why I should stay on Herceptin . . . but, he said no to approving a Herceptin treatment for this week.

So, UCLA said that while it would not be their course of treatment to have me skip a dose, they said that skipping one week was not going to be harmful and that I could resume the week after surgery. They apparently were able to convince my oncologist to “consider” allowing me to resume Herceptin the week after surgery.

Personally, I believe that is just his getting UCLA, and me, to go away – and then he can tell me after surgery that he doesn’t feel I should resume Herceptin at that time. I know where he is going with this, such arrogance. He is a control freak that is for sure. He doesn’t feel it appropriate to follow what the word’s leading expert on Herceptin treatment advises. Nope, he is apparently smarter than the scientists who developed and have researched and tested this drug since 1991.

Here is what I have since figured out. The whole reason I am even having this fight about getting Herceptin the week before surgery is because at my treatment center they do not distinguish in their appointment records between a Herceptin Treatment and a chemotherapy treatment. Instead, each appointment is just listed as a “treatment” or, TX. On Thursday of last week, my nurse looked at my appointments and said “I don’t think you are supposed to come back in for more treatment”. I told her that it was my understanding that I was to come back. She then asked my oncologist if I should be coming in for another treatment the Thursday before surgery and he said no, that we would not know about continuing with more Chemo until after surgery.

(Although, if you have read my prior posting about additional chemo, UCLA does not administer additional chemo after surgery. Instead, I will continue Herceptin for a one year treatment (this would mean my last would be on April 2nd, 2010). Or, if there is still cancer after the pathology comes in from surgery, then they might decide to keep me on Herceptin longer than a year – but in no case would they have me go through additional chemo).

So, this whole thing is about my oncologist canceling what he thought was a chemotherapy round and not Herceptin. Now, I believe, so that he can not be wrong, he is trying to justify my not having a Herceptin treatment by claiming I have a risk of a heart problem – even though no one else agrees with him.

But, I can not keep focusing on this any longer. So my plan is to skip this week’s Herceptin treatment – since UCLA says it is safe to skip one and since the only way to not skip it would be to spend more than half a day, and thousands of dollars to get it done. Then I will “trust” that my oncologist was being honest when he said he would “consider allowing me to have the Herceptin the week after surgery.”  And, if he denies that, then I WILL go up to UCLA to have a single dose (not the three week dose) of Herceptin and hope that my oncologist will approve the dose for the following week (that would be the second week after surgery).  This is really all so ridiculous. My oncologist has gone from 1) having no problem with my continuing the Herceptin prior to and immediately following surgery to 2) changing his mind and canceling the treatment and then claiming that, no, he knew he was canceling Herceptin and that he did not think it was chemo he was canceling and that he wants me to delay resuming Herceptin until 4 weeks or more after surgery to 3) still no Herceptin the week of surgery, but probably two weeks after surgery if I feel better to 4) he will “consider” allowing me to resume Herceptin the week after surgery.

All of this just further underscores that he does not have a clue. It is all about covering his own butt and has nothing to do with me, the patient or what kind of care I am getting.

So, I will skip one Herceptin treatment and that is it.

And, I will get the heck out of dodge as soon as I am able to do so. But, given my choice of reconstruction surgeon – I don’t know if I can switch anytime soon because I need to work with her for some time. She will start the reconstruction on Friday, but I will need to see her for some time to have it completed. I will write another post on this later. She is really skilled and quite sought after as one of the leading reconstructivThe Boyse surgeons. Obviously, my main focus is on getting rid of my cancer. But, there doesn’t seem to be much doubt about that happening. I am supposed to survive this and be cured. I just want to have the best treatment available on all fronts. I feel that I do have that with the surgeons I have chosen. But, I do not feel that way (obviously) about my oncologist.

I will be filing a grievance with my insurance about my care. But, I will do it after surgery and after I have recovered. Or, maybe I will try to work on it today. I don’t know. I hate to spend more time on the negative, it not good for me.

I am going to go to Hoag today to get a jump start on my pre-op testing which was scheduled for tomorrow morning. But, since my cardiologist has scheduled a treadmill stress test for tomorrow, I am going to try to get some of the pre-op testing that my surgeons requested, out of the way today. Well, enough about this negative garbage . . . here are some pictures from yesterday’s family gathering for my Dad’s 80th birthday.

Please continue your prayers . . . I deeply appreciate it.


Surgery this Friday . . .

2 Aug

Today we are celebrating my Dad’s 80th birthday. We are keeping it a pretty small gathering because I need to limit the number of people I am around this close to surgery (because my immune system is suppressed by the recent chemo). So it is just family who are coming. I will get to see my niece and my two nephews and the rest of my family as well. I will put up some pictures here later. It is wierd not to be able to really do anything for this – I am not shopping for it, cooking for it or doing anything really. That is just strange. But, i don’t have the energy for it at all and I do need to conserve my energy. This just goes so against my grain.

Yesterday I cleaned a little bit and sorted laundry and well, that was all I could do. By 1:00 pm I was done and went to bed for the rest of the day and evening. Thankfully a very good friend came over and did my laundry for me. How about that? Pretty sweet of him I must say. There is no way I could have done it myself. It amazing how exhausted I get from just simply putting things away or loading a dishwasher. It is such an odd experience.

I did walk 1/2 a mile yesterday, so that is something. But, it wasn’t easy to do. And, it is so wierd to tire so easily now. I presume that some exercise is best. But, it is hard to tell at this point. I figure since I can walk 1/2 mile that I should. But, I don’t know at this point what is best. I get so tired now with everything I do.

I am not good at laying around and watching movies, or just laying around in general. Oh well. It is temporary.

I got a call today from one of my band members, letting me know they are thinking of me and praying for me and miss me. I look forward to playing with them again as soon as I have recovered from this surgery.

Hopefully my Dad and I will play some today – I think I should get my bass out one more time before surgery. We’ll see how I feel.

Here is our blues band – (pictured also in an earlier post: “The picture on the left is of all of us bald (thank you Paul for joining me in baldness :)) and the picture on the right is before chemo when I still had hair 🙂

Huge Blues BaldHUGE BLUES

Cost of Herceptin . . .

1 Aug

One dose of Herceptin ranges in cost from $6,254.95 to $9,599.00. Ouch. I don’t know yet what UCLA would charge. But, this is the range I have found. This is the price I have found for the every three week dose. (This is three times the amount of the weekly dose that I currently receive). Since I had the one week dose last week, I am looking to have two weeks worth – not three. So, hopefully the cost of that will be much less.

Maybe my insurance company will pay for it, if I am able to successfully dispute my oncologist’s decision. But, I don’t know.

I have heard of women maxing out their insurance because of the high costs of cancer treatments. Being on Herceptin for one year costs nearly $80,00.oo. And, the chemotherapy treatments each ran into several thousand dollars per treatment. That is all past. But, still, it is a concern of mine as I do have surgeries and continued  treatment ahead.

I need to find out what my policy limits are and find out where I am with that.

Oncologist said no, now what?

1 Aug

My oncologist said no to my request that I not go off of Herceptin. I had consulted with UCLA (where Herceptin was developed) and they told me that I should not be off of Herceptin for any period of time until I was done with treatment. But, my oncologist disagrees. Yesterday I demanded that he give me a medical reason for his decision to not follow UCLA’s protocol. His reason was that Herceptin poses a heart risk.

I have been on Herceptin since April 2nd. The heart risk is 1%. I have had two echocardiograms which have both come back as normal (a baseline before treatment and another two months into treatment which shows my heart function to be normal). I have had chest pains off and on throughout treatment. But, have not had chest pains in a month.

The 1% heart risk was shown in studies that involved women of all ages, all levels of health (including women with existing heart problems, high blood pressure etc.). They have done no study on 44 year old healthy women with no underlying heart problems to see if the risk to the heart from Herceptin is lower than on percent. But, the presumption would be (I would think) that my risk would be even lower than one percent.

I spent most of the day arguing with my oncologist’s physician’s assistant. Then she would take my argument back to my doctor, he would tell her what to tell me, then I would dispute that, and then she would go back to him, back to me, back to him and so forth – that was my entire day. He can’t even pick up the phone and speak with me directly.

She just kept telling me that with the risk that Herceptin could damage my heart that my oncologist would not allow me to continue it until one month after surgery – or longer – depending upon how long it took me to recover. His feeling is that there is an increased heart risk with surgery (the strain of surgery on the heart coupled with being on Herceptin). But, it is such a low risk. I told her – “look, we KNOW that I have cancer. We KNOW that it is aggressive. And, we KNOW that Herceptin is extremely effective in killing my cancer. So, rather than allow a possible, remote risk keep us from preventing a KNOWN risk (that of my cancer growing at a rapid rate if it is allowed to go unchecked by the very drug designed to kill it) I would rather follow what UCLA would do”. It seems foolish to do otherwise.”

And, I told her that he can’t have it both ways – two days ago I asked him to order a more comprehensive heart test (one that shows more of the heart function than an echocardiogram). He refused on the basis that I do not seem to have a heart problem. His exact words were that my heart function was normal and that he did not think that Herceptin was posing a problem for me.  Now, he cites a concern over Herceptin affecting my heart as a basis for not following protocol and taking me off of Herceptin. I have checked – this is generally only done in patients who are elderly or who have an existing heart problem.

I got nowhere yesterday. And, the poor PA, she was practically in tears at the end of the day. I felt bad for her, but it is her doctor that has put her in this position. She agreed that if it were her – in my shoes – that she would have the same concerns.

So now I am waiting to hear back from UCLA to see if they can fit me in (at my own cost – which could be at a significant cost) for a Herceptin treatment next week. Or, to find out from Dr. Hurvitz if it is wise to skip a treatment.

I can’t believe I am having this fight with my oncologist. He is so arrogant. First of all, he made his decision without ever consulting the appropriate protocol (this was clear from the way he answered me in the first place: “Hmm, well, I guess . . . “). Not once did he ever point to a reason or basis for his guessing.

And, the PA yesterday kept telling me about “this one patient who had trouble . . . ”

To which I told her I did not want or need to hear about anecdotal situations. That I wanted my medical treatment based upon studies and current protocols. UCLA is one of the top breast cancer centers in the world. They developed the drug Herceptin and know best how it works and how and when to administer it. Yet my bafoon of an oncologist is so arrogant that he thinks he should supplant his opinion over UCLA’s well documented, studied and proven protocols. I am livid about this. The fact that I have to spend my time arguing over something like this is so frustrating.

I am putting it aside for the weekend (although UCLA may get back to me via email over the weekend – the nurse practictioner that I spoke to at the end of the day said she would see if she could get an answer from Dr. Hurvitz about my getting in for treatment next week – she said she might hear back over the weekend and that she would let me know via email – amazing). So maybe I will get some good news before Monday. But, either way, she said she would get back to me no later than Monday. Time is kind of the essence here.

In my reading today, I have learned that there are Herceptin resistant HER2 cancers. They do not know why some HER2+ tumors are resistent to Herceptin. But, they are developing new drugs that show promise and may be available in one to three years. I am wondering (from my little bit of back ground in microbiology) if, like strains of bacteria can become resistant to antibiotics, that HER2+ tumors can become resistant. This is what concerns me about the time off of Herceptin – if I am off of it for five weeks, will this give any remaining cancer an opportunity to continue to grow – unchecked by the Herceptin – and worse yet, will this unchecked cancer have the potential to become Herceptin resistant? I am not trying to borrow trouble here, but, the reason I can survive this cancer IS because of Herceptin. Without it the recurrence and mortality rate of this cancer is very high. Not good. Herceptin increases survival by leaps and bounds.

I do not know if the Herceptin is working on my cancer – I can only presume that it is because the cancer has defnitely decreased significantly during treatment. But, it is not known yet how much cancer is remaining (if any) and I don’t know if that is due only to the chemotherapy or to a combinatino of both. The only way I will know is to be on Herceptin and be monitored. In all likelihood the Herceptin is working and will work. But, I do not want to be off of it for any appreciable time.

Well, that is enough on that for now. I will write more when I know more. Please say prayers for me on this. I really appreciate it.

L.