Life off of Tamoxifen has been like getting my life back. Despite the fact that I am currently waiting to hear back on some test results (yes, everything could be side-lined in one fell swoop) the fog is lifting.
I no longer wake up in pain. I can exercise! I feel better in virtually every way. I sleep a full night (with the exception of some sleepless nights lately due to the wait for biopsy results). I no longer wake up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain and sit there wondering if I should this time go to the ER (Tamoxifen can cause blood clots – so severe leg pain is supposed to be checked out and I have had a few ER trips for ultrasounds in the middle of the night just to make sure all is well). Well, all was not well – that kind of constant life disruption and being continually chained to cancer was not: “all is well” for me.
I’ve never been one to sleep in very late. I relish the morning newspaper (and the quiet of the early morning, and the fact that it somehow seems to belong to me alone) way too much to sleep in on any regular basis. But, just once in a while, it is nice to be able to sleep in just a little. For me, sleeping in is 8:00 am or so. When I was on Tamoxifen I used to wake up at 5:30 am because my back and hips and legs ached so much (just from lying down). It is hard to relish the morning when you are in pain for the first two or three hours of it.
It quite simply WORE ME OUT. I didn’t even realize how much it wore me out until I went off of Tamoxifen. I not only have my mornings back, I have my LIFE back.
I have a niece whom I absolutely adore, she is kind of my surrogate daughter, I don’t have a daughter, but if I did, I would want it to be her. She is everything that is good and sweet and wonderful and I am so proud of her. We are very close. Always have been. Being her auntie has been one of the greatest joys of my life. I haven’t been able to do a whole lot with her the past few years. Recovering from cancer treatment and surgeries and struggling with only having partial days because Tamoxifen ate up a good portion of every day with pain, made it so hard to get to see her or to make plans.
I am back to work – have been full force for some time now (which has been so exciting)! But being back to work full force meant, for the most part, that work was all I could do.
Work is going well. I run a business and I teach. I have started a new venture and it has been very exciting. But, truly there has been little energy for anything else. I haven’t had time for family or friends and that has been a great loss to me. But, now that I am off of Tamoxifen, I have gained hours in my day – every day. And, I have gained pain free, energy filled days. It is awesome.
I am now able to do much more than simply work. I am moving into a new office.
A nearby university’s school of business recently took my business on and created a marketing plan for me (for free). They presented it to me last week (it was awesome)!
I have been invited to speak about my business (unbelievable) and to talk about how I made a “comeback” post cancer. It is surreal and I am so incredibly grateful.
I have a gig at the end of the month (I play bass and sing a little). I have written two new songs that my band will perform at our next gig. I am no longer worried about having the energy to do both work and play music in the same week (let alone the same day).
I am able to honor not just my work commitments, but to make and keep personal commitments. I am able to be there for my parents. (I chose an office location that is very close to my parents home so that I will be in their neighborhood most days). I am able to be an auntie, the kind I want to be and I make a point of seeing the ocean every day and to see (and relish) as many sunsets as I possibly can.
Life is good.
I appreciate your continued prayers and positive vibes as I wait for test results. And I appreciate your prayers and positive vibes for all my friends who are dealing with cancer.
Much love and peace,